Regardless of your fears about your sexual attractiveness, studies show that what partners of breast cancer patients care about most is that their loved one is alive.1 The loss or alteration of a breast is practically meaningless in contrast.
Every relationship is tested by breast cancer. There is no doubt that it puts an enormous amount of stress on each person in the relationship. Just like you are recovering from the physical effects of breast cancer, your relationship is most likely recovering from the emotional effects of it as well. The best way to begin the healing process is to talk to each other and, maybe even more important, to listen to each other. But keep in mind that everyone deals with trauma in different ways and most people don't even know how to talk about something as big as cancer. Talking to a therapist may help both of you get through this difficult time.
Changes in your sex life:
Resuming a healthy sex life isn't always easy but remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many women have the same frustrations as you and the good news is that many of the problems you may be experiencing will improve.
Be patient with yourself — You've been through a lot. The last thing you need right now is pressure from anyone including yourself. Be open and honest with your partner about your feelings, whether or not you're experiencing fatigue, your concerns about your body image etc. For many women, it takes longer to do a lot of things and that includes getting interested in, starting and finishing sex.
Accept the new nude you — You've got to make peace with yourself if you're going to get on with the rest of your life. Having a positive, noncritical affection for who you are and what you look like will help you derive more pleasure from sex. That said, there is nothing wrong with easing into things and a sexy nightgown never hurts. It can ward off the initial shock and provide you with a sense of protection. A reconstructed breast or good prosthesis feels a lot like the real thing underneath some clothing.
Pain during intercourse
Talk about a turn off. You're expecting pleasure but instead you encounter pain. This is most often caused by hormonal changes (menopause) that lead to vaginal dryness. There are over the counter creams, gels and lubricants to help reduce the pain. Don't be afraid to experiment until you find the product that works best for you.
Loss of libido
In addition to hormonal changes and their effects on your body, your breast is now altered or gone, you've lost your hair, put on weight, have no energy and feel nauseated. Big surprise that you're not feeling so sexy. Add the psychological effects of breast cancer, and the idea of having sex may seem be the last thing you want to think about. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Loss of libido is normal and should improve over time.
Difficulty with arousal and with orgasm
Many women complain about the time it takes to get aroused or the inability to reach orgasm at all. Try downplaying the importance of orgasm for a while. Try concentrating instead on touching, kissing and imagery rather than intercourse. De-emphasizing it may actually allow it to happen sooner. If the problem persists, see your doctor.
Talking with your doctor
It may be the last thing on earth you want to do but having a discussion may answer your questions and put you at ease. Because sexual difficulties are often linked to a lack of estrogen, progesterone or testosterone levels induced by your treatment, it's important to be explicit with your doctor so that he or she can treat you appropriately.
Consider bringing your partner along with you. You can talk about the issues that matter to each of you and it will ensure that both of you walk away with the same information. If discussing these topics with your partner or a doctor just isn't in your comfort zone, talk to a friend who has been through breast cancer or tap into a support group. You'd be surprised at how helpful and normal they can be. Click here to see a list of support groups that may also help.
Single?
Some women are happy to stay single after breast cancer. Others hope to find a relationship. Many worry about telling someone about their breast cancer and fear rejection because of it. One thing is for sure though. Just because you had breast cancer does not make you unattractive or unlovable. And you don't have to bring it up with anyone until you feel ready. Making a connection with someone suitable is always a challenge but your statistic as a woman who had breast cancer has nothing to do with your chances of finding someone. You've just got to do what anyone looking for love would do. Put yourself out there, get involved, volunteer, take out a personal ad, hit the gym, take a class that interests you, etc. Ask your friends and family to set you up with someone they think might be good for you. According to Sex in America (1995, Warner Books), a statistical analysis of American sexuality written collaboratively by Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, Edward O. Laumann, and Gina Kolata, most couples are introduced to each other that way.
Weiss, M. and Weiss, E. Living Beyond Breast Cancer: A Survivor's Guide for When
Treatment Ends and the Rest of Your Life Begins. New York: Three Rivers Press; 1997. p 153.
